On Owning A Dog

Is there anything more frustrating? More rewarding? She brings more light and happiness and gentleness and goodness to our family than all 3 of the rest of us put together. She also pees on the carpet, sloshes her water all over the kitchen, eats grandma's $500 leather chair, jumps on strangers (so far that hasn't caused any heart attacks....), and eats carpet. So far she is not eating the carpet she is peeing on, but I am sure that will happen any day now.

I have become the cheesy dog-parent I hated. I got a big dog specifically to avoid this syndrome, but to no avail. I thought only miniature accessory dog owners spent this much time finding significance in their pet....I have to hold myself back from calling friends over stupid dog milestones (She went the whole night without peeing! She lost her first tooth! She did well in puppy class! She made a cute face! Her tail gets crooked while she poops! Actually, that was Ty's observation.). Thankfully a few friends just got puppies too, and we send secret emails about the eternal significance of our puppies' latest achievements and the latest technologies in puppy playpens. We compare training techniques (hitting on the nose is so pase - now you throw a can filled with pennies at the dog - terrifying them anonymously is apparently less psychologically damaging than corporal punishment...all I know is it works). We delight in sharing how important our dog is to someone else who gets it.

When we first got Tana, and weren't sure she could last 2 hours without having to pee (she was going 1 hour 20 minutes like clockwork), I let our bible study know I would miss a week until her bladder grew some more. Ken from study said sternly to me "Now don't let this dog run your life." As if I had any control over that! I have no choice, I am kidnapped by her big brown eyes and the comforting thump of her tail on my calf. And the fact that our house smells bad when she is peeing on the carpet every hour.

Two women and their babies just sat down next to me at the coffee shop, complete with carseat-cum-stroller and adorable outfits. Their conversation goes something like this:"How are we sleeping?""Still on the side" (insert look of consternation)"Oh, my Lizzie did that for 3 weeks...." (insert look of sympathy, comfort, and hope).

I checked out after that, but just saw them placing their babies face to face, so they could bond. The moms inserted cute baby talk on behalf of the mute munchkins, who just looked uncomfortable. The sad thing is this could be me, except that I would have Tana loaded up in her collar with soft lead halter and leash, plus her bigger halter (in matching bright blue) for riding in the car, carrying a "diaper bag" of toys, treats, poop pick up bags, rags for pee, and water bowl. I would be talking to a puppy owner about whether our pups are barking when we leave, what time they whine in the morning to be let out, whether or not pumpkin really firms up their stool. Our conversation would be punctuated not by crying and spitup and dirty diapers, but by "Sit!" "No!" "Leave It!" and when all those commands are ignored, by prying open the dog's mouth and pulling out whatever she has just eaten and is about to swallow. I wipe dog drool with the same nonchalance that my friend wipes her baby's spitup off her shoulder.

Its not that I want to treat my dog like a baby. I am not trying to replace my mothering instincts with an animal. It's just, she needs this much care and attention right now! She is, for all intensive purposes, small and helpless. If I don't watch her, she swallows something that will require a $3,000 bowel obstruction surgery. If I let her get away with bad behavoir now, I will be socially castigated once she is an adult, badly behaved, 100 lb dog.

People who have dogs get this. You say "puppy", and dog-owners roll their eyes with total understanding. They pat you on the back and tell you to hang in there, even before you get into what the latest puppy drama is. They excuse you for potty breaks every 15 minutes, just to be safe. They talk with affection about their older, quieter dog. You can see it in their eyes - watching your pup or hearing the stories makes them want to run home and give their dog a big steak for not acting like that anymore! With dog people, you are allowed to cancel dinner plans, or basically your whole social life, for the first 8 months. Its like newlyweds - its understood that you have bigger things to take care of and will return as soon as you can.

But people who don't have dogs...well, they just look at you like you are crazy. You can't just tie the dog in the backyard? (No, she will eat so much dirt she will have to puke, and get dehydrated from puking and die). You can't get a sitter? (We don't know how to handle her, how can we pawn her off on our friends without any instructions?) You can't bring her along? (Do you like your yard? If so, that's not really an option.Or we can bring her, but you won't get a full sentence out of us. And forget eye contact - that's reserved for the puppy and her bad decisions). Can't you leave her in her crate? (Well sure, for a few hours, until she inevitably gets diarheea and spreads it all over your crate and herself...not the best event to come home too).

And in the end, its like having a baby - when you get to leave, you are sooo grateful. You almost feel guilty because you are so excited to be out of the house. But 5 miles from returning home, a strange panic sets in - what if something happened? What if something happens in the next 3 minutes of driving home? What if? What if? And when you get back inside, you realize you missed her the whole time, even though you weren't aware of it. You don't want to do anything but sit and bond with her - not even unloading whatever you have carried inside or go pee even though you have been holding it for an hour. And there she is, literally having held her breath for you to get home. Or so you think, until you notice a new corner of cabinet has been chewed up....